The Blues

I know I am alive, for I feel exquisite pain, and from this pain springs love.

Though I seem as if in a dark abyss, alone, yet I know you
love me and your hand guides my life in directions
I can only dimly imagine.

The line between "subjective" reality (perhaps the only kind) and chaos is the thinnest of lines. If the mind crosses over to chaos- how desperately
it tries to return and restore what once was- the illusion of control in a "personal"
or should I say impersonal universe.

"Portrait of Dr. Gachet", Vincent van Gogh

I won’t talk to him because he wounded me.

Why is she is so selfish

No one understands me. I hate...

Leave me




No solace. You- Uncaring, Unforgiving. Find malice in a soft breeze. Love diamonds more than life. On my death bed you hurl insults: robbing life. Goneril and Regan sweeter a thousand times. Caligula kinder. Cruelty- thy name is woman. Perfidy- thy name is man. Liars all.

No peace, no refuge. 

Ruin, if you must, your life. Live old and bitter. Make a self prison. Entomb yourself with gold, jewels and possessions.

But..what have you done to me?

Why?..I hurt

Reality: inescapable except perhaps in death and then-who knows....

Time must end.

Lowell Greenberg

"So when you see us weary from the day's internal climb. When we find fault with your best efforts, or treat imperfection as purposeful crime ... When you see our quick defenses, our efforts to control, our readiness to form a plan of unrealistic goals ... When we run into a conflict and fight to the bitter end, remember ... We think that winning means we won't be hurt again." From: "For Children Who Were Broken," by Elia Wise

Old Man in Sorrow (On the Threshold of Eternity), Vincent Van Gogh

If you have ever felt this, know there is an alternative. Lose yourself and turn to God and your fellow man. Take pity and have compassion on yourself and those who have abused you and themselves. Bring love into the world and devote your self to serving others and becoming a force for good. If you are alive then you will feel pain. Experiencing pain will bring empathy and compassion for others. Share yourself with others, ask for help. Seek those who will help you. By being weak you will receive strength and become strong. Stop the questioning and let yourself become an instrument of the creator and the universal. Material things and the opinions of others mean nothing. Life is mystery and adventure. Become who you are.

Learn and build upon your strengths and shift your focus outward while maintaining peace inward. By so doing, you will find the answers you seek. Do not attempt to impose the solution. Be patient…

Man's greatest fear is a kind of existential terror- the fear of not being- of being unable to control one's own life, one's thoughts, one's emotions, actions and future. The ability to extend beyond ones self and find meaning in giving, a firm belief in God, universal truths and/or the power of ones own humanity and the oneness of humanity- to overcome the condition of isolation- is critical if this terror is to be manageable and turned into a constructive life force. Try to stay positive.

It is difficult to truly understand someone else's pain- physical or psychic. It is important to be non-judgmental, even when that pain becomes a source of your own pain. It is always a delicate balance between wanting to help and respecting another's desires and needs. Perhaps all that matters is that we are sensitive to this and do our best. Not every problem has a solution and some things take time to heal.

Trees, mountains, animals all give us unconditional love- though we have difficulty giving this to ourselves and each other. Living in this society I am as guilty as others- I still squander what is not mine. Yet I am forgiven- perhaps this should be my model. Forgive as I have been forgiven. Teach those who will listen- who are open- allow the Divine Mother to do her work and trust in the Universe's plan. Man may destroy all life on this Earth- but there is still the hope of rebirth and it is not for me to question the path of creation- mankind is part of this path.

To be judgmental is wrong. There is no equivocation on this. It is a state that represents a stage in spiritual development- however it is one of the many traps. One must accept his essential helplessness to avert or stop life's many tragedies. One must accept ones self fully. One should not take on the diseases or grief of others as his or hers own. Rather one should show compassion and strength. Show compassion to those who have hurt you and those you have hurt. Accept that we are all children of the Divine Mother. To judge others is to take on another's weight- their baggage. From a selfish and a spiritual perspective this is wrong.

I am not responsible for the pain for the world. I am not to blame. I cannot not hold on to this grief. Yet I am responsible- for being compassionate to myself and all creation.

Guilt is a trap- one must be sensitive to the effects one has on another- but one cannot be so sensitive that he takes on another's hurt. I am free- caring, but free- released.

-Lowell Greenberg  


We live in dark times. It is true that many people become fearful- when their economic security is threatened- their future. Fear manifests in the many forms of hate we see today. LGBT and other minorities become scapegoats. The truth is that sexual repression and violence are linked. The most repressed, the most homophobic in our society- are often the most violent. They are out of touch with their own feelings- their own nature. They are so out of touch- they turn to whatever makes them feel alive- in control- and that is often violence- verbal or physical. They are driven by fear and have very little real connection with their families, partners, children, communities and themselves.

The truth is that to be sensitive is too be alive- and to be alive is to feel pain. To be sensitive is to be fully human. This is not easy in a world that is filled with hate and repression. To remain human in this world- truly human- is a fight- a continual battle. But it is important to recognize the great beauty and wisdom in yourself and others. Do not allow feelings of guilt or anger to change your perception of yourself or others. Accept all aspects of yourself. Reach out to others like yourself. People who care. People that have similar experiences and viewpoints. Let them become your new family. Enlarge your compassion. There are so many that suffer for so many reasons- poverty, hunger, disease, war, oppression....the list is endless. Yet all of these things need to enlarge your compassion- both for yourself and others. This compassion should extended to all life- not just human. To trees, mountains, rivers, lakes, animals, plants- to all living things.

Feelings- of despair and anger are normal- healthy in fact. When you find yourself taking actions- writing, speaking and acting to manifest yourself more fully in this world- to experience-you will find that the despair will pass- in fact you may see these darker periods as periods of renewal.

However, if the despair does not pass, then you must from deep within recognize this and following your heart seek the help that you need from within or without. Sometimes it is just reaching out to a friend. Sometimes a counselor, a family member- an ancestor-a tree, an animal- someone. Sometimes it is reaching out to yourself- holding that inner conversation that allows you to restore your balance. Please remember that seeking help is an indication of strength- it is also your birthright as human being- as someone connected to this universe and all life.

Do not repress your anger, your sadness. Do not wish it away or in any way convince yourself that is wrong. It is a message-it provides a lesson. Why I am I angry or sad? Is it justified? How should I change my perspective? Do I need to change something in my life? Reach out? Understand your anger- do not judge it- learn from it. Depression can at times be internalized anger. This anger can in part be a reaction to the many angry and repressed people in this world. Don't let their anger harm you or your life. Instead, grow stronger, wiser and more alive- more human. If you are reading this- then you have the capacity to do this.

"All strong souls first go to hell before they do the healing of the world they came here for. If we are lucky, we return to help those still trapped below."

Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

"Don't Laugh at Me
I'm a little boy with glasses
The one they call a geek
A little girl who never smiles
‘Cause I have braces on my teeth
And I know how it feels to cry
myself to sleep..."
"...Don't call me names
 Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me"
from "Don't Laugh at Me" by Steve Seskin/Allen Shamblin & performed by Peter Yarrow as part of the "Don't Laugh at Me" project.

I feel overwhelmed by the insensitivity of others - how they simply project their needs and wants upon the world- how so much in relationships is merely an expression of ego. I find solace and peace in nature- among the non-human spirits that I feel deep connectedness to. But for my fellow humans- I am feeling confusion- they sadden me. They seem like walking automatons- even those who are supposedly awake. I feel awake in a world of sleeping people and I can't help but feel lonely- there is almost a sense of terror- as if waking up and surrounded by a room full of ghosts- or am I the ghost. Have I died? Yes I have died- but am not yet fully reborn. I need help- but who will heal the healer?

Lowell Greenberg

"As the old man walked the beach at dawn, he noticed a young man ahead of him picking up starfish and flinging them into the sea. Finally catching up with the youth, he asked him why he was doing this. The answer was that the stranded starfish would die if left until the morning sun.

"But the beach goes on for miles and there are millions of starfish," countered the other. "How can your effort make any difference?"

"The young man looked at the starfish in his hand and then threw it to safety in the waves. ""It makes a difference to this one,"" he said."


For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone ...

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands- one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

Audrey Hepburn

"The man, who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages his old self to survive. Rather, he will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help him to risk himself, so that he may endure the suffering and pass courageously through it. Only to the extent that man exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible arise within him. In this lies the dignity of daring."

From "The Way of Transformation," by Karlfried Graf Dürckheim

"To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk being called sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self.
To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom.
Only the person who risks is truly free."

Janet Rand

You will be walking some night in the comfortable dark of your yard and suddenly a great light will shine round about you, and behind you will be a wall you never saw before. It will be clear to you suddenly that you were about to escape, and that you are guilty: you misread the complex instructions, you are not a member, you lost your card or never had one. And you will know that they have been there all along, their eyes on your letters and books, their hands in your pockets, their ears wired to your bed. Though you have done nothing shameful, they will want you to be ashamed. They will want you to kneel and weep and say you should have been like them. And once you say you are ashamed, reading the page they hold out to you, then such light as you have made in your history will leave you. They will no longer need to pursue you. You will pursue them, begging forgiveness. They will not forgive you. There is no power against them. It is only candor that is aloof from them, only an inward clarity, unashamed, that they cannot reach. Be ready. When their light has picked you out and their questions are asked, say to them: "I am not ashamed." A sure horizon will come around you. The heron will begin his evening flight from the hilltop.

"DO NOT BE ASHAMED," by Wendell Berry

When we close our hearts to someone else we may think that we are insulating ourselves, or those we love, from danger. The very act of closing our hearts, though, often does more damage than the risk we are trying to avoid.

Alan and Cheryl Greene

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.

African Proverb

I believe there comes a time
When everything just falls in line
We live and learn from from our mistakes
The deepest cuts are healed by faith.


"When the night has been too lonely, and the road has been too long, And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong, Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows, Lies the seed, that with the sun's love, in the spring becomes the Rose."

The Dark Night of the Soul

 I am at the center of the Universe. I am where all creation comes into being and dissolves. At the edge of existence and non-existence. It is dark- yet suffused with the creation’s light. I feel incredible pain- I feel the mother’s pain as she gives birth. Immersed in pain I begin to heal. Pain is transmuted- as water to wine or wine to water.

Judgment gives way to acceptance and compassion. Fully Abandoning what is false I can now embrace the true. Finally I can fully manifest who I am.

In the darkest night there is light. In the abandonment of hope, there is hope. There is no pain to great and love to small.

I am at the dark night of the soul- yet I have not rejected- I walk between worlds- living in both light and darkness. The transmuting of pain is my birthing into a new life.- Lowell Greenberg

Love is like a river…

Warmly embracing in the summer
Refreshing in the spring
Unforgiving in the cold winter

Endless contradiction
Soothing... healing... punishing...
Clear yet mysterious- possessed of fury and tender nuances
Pure & tainted
Resistance and flow
Trysting, dancing & still
Unfathomable wisdom and old memories, yet forgetful and directionless
Alive and forever joyful yet with tears to fill an eternity
Death and decay… life and rebirth

River - take me home- to where I have always, but never been- to myself. - Lowell Greenberg

At the End of a Relationship

"Whatever we must not have been love. For me true love is does not does not punish. It does not consciously not respect. It does not merely give up. This is is much much more. I wonder if I will ever experience this with a partner. So many things left unsaid. I can't believe I believed... Never forget what is important...or you may lose it.

The truth is that almost everything is impermanent. When I write that the relationship ended...I am not talking about the relationship when it was loving or caring. I am talking about now. When the words "I love you" can still be spoken- but the sound rings hollow- and tenderness quickly turns to derision. How did this happen? Death by a thousand blows? But what it really is despite all the words- is the absence of love.

Anyone who has been "in love" knows that the words are almost meaningless. They fall trippingly off the tongue and are said by so many so early. What they really mean is...I love myself and I love how you make me feel. I love that you make me happy. I love this, I love that. And yes I love YOU. But is it YOU? That YOU is often everything BUT who you really are. In truth most don't even know who they are- so how can they love another for who THEY truly are?

So you may ask- what is the true YOU? I will tell you. It is not anything you think it is- any quality, emotion, feeling or physical trait. It has nothing to do with what you love or hate. Do you know what it is? It is the core essential being- that will be part of you after you leave this plane and before you enter it again. That is always with you. It is the eternal, all knowing presence that can only manifest love and can see everything that was, is and will be. Perhaps you might say it is the god within you- the great stillness- the eternal harmony. It is only at this level where there can be true love. Love, not just for a partner, but for all life- all existence- all consciousness.

A part of me wants to cry. A part of me can't imagine how so many memories must now be reinterpreted- found to be false. The child within wants to die- and not face a world full of human beings who seem to lie so much- unknowingly or not. But the truth is easy to see. Why should it be otherwise. That child comes from an eternal place of love and is thrust into a world of suffering and pain. The child will always be hurt and the pain is real but illusory at the same time. How could a relationship based on anything else but the true ME, the true YOU, ever be permanent- every endure? It can't. To make one person the focus of one's love-may be the inspiration of many a love song- but in the end- that focus is narrow and selfish. If one loves, then one must love all consciousness- all life- and the full manifestation of this in oneself and others.

-- Lowell Greenberg


Yesterday I had another meditation experience. I was in nature- which is a great healer for me- surrounded by beauty and the love of the spirits of nature. I was with my dog- who I also love and who loves me. I went to a more secluded area- off the main path- and turning away from the bright morning sun, began to meditate. The first ten minutes was similar to most other times that I have meditated. But the last five minutes was not. A more complete quietness came over me- and then a torrent of tears and crying started. The tears were for the suffering in the world- the suffering I am experiencing- not only because of the relationship- but because of the inevitable suffering of life- growing old, separation, war, destruction, self inflicted wounds… And as the tears flowed- there was a washing away of my attachment to these things- what was left was an old man with a dog- the dog grounding him in love, surrounded by the love of nature- empty of thought- accepting- neither sad or happy. Not detached- because the love was still felt. Resigned to what life brings and perhaps ready to die. So it is possible to feel love and to be empty.

 Afterwards, the ego attempted to recover my self-image. The ego was challenged to explain joy amid the suffering. Here I simply understood there are two kinds of joy. There is the joy and pain I felt when my beloved dog of 14 ½ years died. The pain of parting, but the joy of remembering that all she brought me- and probably all I brought her- was joy. Joy and pain, pain and joy. Remembering the first time she hesitantly walked down stairs as a young puppy and the last time I held her in my arms and opened up heaven for her to rise to the light- which she did and where she is- radiant and happy and still with me.

Then there was the pain of the ending of my last relationship. Here there is little joy- the pain and suffering of the ending obscuring the love-  a love that I now recognize as ego based, situational and conditional. Understanding may creep through- but the feeling is there- one of loss- but not warm joy- rather the coldness of a stab to the heart- feeling the rejection of one who has more rejected a part of themselves then me…and realizing how often this has taken place in my life and in the human continuum of experience. Through this experience- a part of me attempting to learn the lessons and a part of me dying in the way I described above.

-- Lowell Greenberg


"You showed me how, how to leave myself behind How to turn down the noise in my mind Now I haven't got time for the pain I haven't got room for the pain I haven't the need for the pain Not since I've known you

I haven't got time for the pain I haven't got room for the pain I haven't the need for the pain Sufferin' was the only thing made me feel I was alive Thought that's just how much it cost to survive in this world 'Til you showed me how, how to fill my heart with love How to open up and drink in all that white light Pourin' down from the heaven"

"Haven't Got Time For the Pain,"
Words and music by Carly Simon and Jacob Brackman


The Protector

In Life sometimes we are lost.
If you have faith and trust,
your protector will see you through.

The Protector
Jerome Bushyhead

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Bene Gesserit, "Litany Against Fear," Frank Herbert,

Once upon a time was a backbeat. Once upon a time all the chords came to life and the angels had guitars even before they had wings. If you hold onto a chorus you can get through the night

Jim Steinman

The Tree and The Man

Many years ago there was a tree and a man. They met in a forest one day. They gazed at each other. The man fell in love with the tree and the tree fell in love with the man. The man so admired the beautiful outstretched branches of the tree- its youth- the vibrant leafs, the sweet sap, the gentile swaying of her branches in the breeze. The tree felt at home with the man- admired- finally known for who she is- a little less alone.

Years passed. The tree became less beautiful. Some of the branches were barren. She began to lean over a bit. The man grew bored. The tree was no longer as beautiful to him. The man was unhappy and the tree no longer made him happy. So one day the man moved on. He left the tree and never returned. At first the tree was puzzled. She said to herself, “I thought he loved me.” The sun loves me, the birds love me, the wind caresses me- they always return- we are never apart. But this man has disappeared. Why? Did he ever love me or was his love, like his rejection, nothing more than a game he played with himself. The tree felt used, but finally the tree understood the truth. The man never loved the tree, but only the saw the tree for what it could do for him. When the tree no longer did what the man wanted- he left.

The tree wonders- will I ever find true love? Will I ever be loved for who I am? The tree knows that she has always loved and has  always been loved- by the sun, the stars, the mountains, the river, the rain and the wind. But she also knows...the man never loved her. He can’t even love himself.

When I think of past loves, imprinted on my brain and psyche
is only one refrain- over and over again it repeats...No more
lies. No more lies. No more lies.....I wonder if I was ever
loved for who I am.  A love undying- like mine.


I want to die. I cannot but be who I am. I wish to move, like the tempests in the sea. I wish to shine, brighter than a thousand new born stars. I see myself in the mirror- and I do not see me…see something hidden, under the skin- yellow iridescent- amorphic- pulsating, filled with energy reaching, holding, grasping, begging…mercy-have mercy on me...Why am I here? Where is here?…I am nowhere. You can’t see me- you can’t see me. Don’t try. I have been lying- there is no me. Laugh at me...I don’t care there is no me. Beat me…I am already in pain- pregnant with pain. Dark, red, black, dripping yellow and blue…pain. A knife moves into me and through me…but I cannot feel it. I don’t want to feel it. Instead, I want to cry…I want the water to wash me away….so that all that is left are few bubbles---pop, one by one they go- then I am gone. No more…into the vast sea…there is no me...there never was me. As for you….I can barely see you…you are like a ghost….I can barely feel you…I can hear you...but all the voices blend into a aching sound…a kind of music….I can't see you. I am falling…I am falling. And I don’t care.

Destroying love is the worst crime

Why do I still grieve the loss? Why do I feel powerless to change it? Why do I grieve the loss, more than the object of my love. Why do I feel rejected and still inadequate? Why can't I create a wedge- think nothing more of it and simply move on. I know why. It is because I fear the very cause of my grief is me and that if I simply move on-the grief will repeat. What if I am wrong? What if the grief need not be repeated. What if I loved too much? What if my love was too much? What if it was misunderstood because the object of my love could not reciprocate or conceive of a similar love. What if I am not responsible at all. What if somewhere there is a love that can love as deeply as I love. What if some how I find love, that while human-is external. What if I deserve this. What if I deserve this. What if I deserve this.

I can feel this. I can taste it. I can dimly see it-but I have yet to experience it. Am I worthy? What if I deserve this? All the guilt, ego knocking, spiritual gobble...what if this is obscuring the truth. What if the truth is beautiful, hopeful and filled with joy. A joy that has escaped me all of my life-the single longing-eternal love.

Tasha loved me this way. Maybe another human being can. Maybe...Maybe...Maybe....Is it a crime to hope so?


To a Friend- Neediness

 I read the article you linked to, "If you want to Change the World...Love a Woman" I am gay- so removing any male centeredness to the piece- it still deeply resonated with me. It was very timely- as if an angel had delivered it at the moment when I would most notice and need it. On a more superficial level it speaks to what I and others call spiritual narcissism. But at another level, it resonates with what is now a deep pain inside of me- even moving to the suicidal- a sense that no one is capable of connecting at the level Lisa wrote about. Yet I believe I can and have.

It seems that only in nature do I find true peace and the sense of what she wrote- the desire and sense of oneness. In all my relationships there seems to be nothing enduring- as if I was looking at egos- shining in the mirror- laughing, smiling- but ultimately really trapped in the mirror- not real- not present- not truly self aware- not really compassionate- and always- always seeking to judge, discriminate- even deprecate to bolster a sense of self- an illusion.

I really am starting to believe that being gay- the ordeal of coming out- the joy in finally being out- and then the seemingly rapid succession of what seems to be meaningless relationships- may have been a mistake. Gay culture seems to gratify the very narcissism Lisa spoke about. But culture aside- perhaps there is someone who is genuine- unafraid and healed enough to relate to-for real. While it sounds strange, I think I am coming less from a neediness than a sense of sadness- yet- what is wrong with neediness?



The Rose


Alex Sanchez


Psych Central
The Samaritans

Missing Children

How to reach me

Suicide Helplines

Sing Those Songs

The Trevor Project

Operation Respect

Depression Central

A Personal Message

Life and the Universal this first

Peter Sarrio's Web Page

The Phoenix Newspaper

Mental Health Resources

Trauma Information Pages

The Rose/From A Distance

Homosexuality: Be Yourself

The Wounded Healer Journal

GLBT National Health Center

Bonus Round Gay Youth Page

Mental Health Net: Depression

For Children Who Were Broken

Societal Action, Culture & Health

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

Girls & Boys Town National Hotline

The Online Diary of Steve Schalchin

Portrait of a Son's Suicide: Bill's Story

The Eternal Flight of the Golden Eagle

Vincent Van Gogh's letters to his brother Theo

"Now I'm walking my mind to an easy time, my back turned towards the sun. Lord knows when the cold wind blows, it'll turn your head around. There's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come. Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground"

Fire and Rain
James Taylor

"A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away."

Sufi aphorism

"Tolerance for pain may be high, but it is not without limit. Eventually everyone begins to recognize, however dimly, that there must be a better way. As this recognition becomes firmly established, it becomes a turning point."

A Course in Miracles

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared disturb the sound of silence.

The Sound of Silence
by Paul Simon

Every night I kneel and pray let tomorrow be the day when I see the face of someone who I can mean something to.

Where is Love?, from "Oliver",
Music and Lyrics
by Lionel Bart

"On a clear day 
Rise and 1ook around you 
And you'll see who you are 
On a clear day 
How it will astound you 
That the glow of your being 
Outshines every star..." 

"On a Clear Day You Can See Forever,"
by Burton Lane & Alan Jay Lerner

Paintings: "Portrait of Dr. Gachet" and
Old Man in Sorrow (On the Threshold of Eternity)
by Vincent Van Gogh


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