Ending of Relationships

The ending of relationships, whether friendships, marriages or work is always painful. Often there is a great sense of loss. At times it is necessary when one or both partners are emotionally and/or physically abusive, and unable or unwilling to change what has become a toxic, unhealthy and/or addictive relationship. However, reconciliation is often possible if both people love, care, trust and respect each other and are fundamentally compatible. The ability and willingness to honestly, assertively, empathetically and non-judgmentally communicate thoughts and feelings and actively listen is also critical.

Sometimes counseling helps if both people are sincerely committed to relationship building and are psychologically secure and healthy enough to alter their thoughts and behavior. Counseling can help us understand that conflict can be healthy- a way to talk about problems, instead of arguing and withdrawing. It can help us find ways to empathize, acknowledge and express feelings and avoid the pitfalls that commonly escalate conflicts. What of course doesn't work in salvaging a troubled relationship are threats, ultimatums, harsh criticism, passivity, pent up aggression, passive aggressive behavior, violence and/or resigning oneself that any relationship is better than no relationship.

One of the key elements of a healthy relationship is unselfishness. In essence, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you"- and engaging in the self questioning necessary to make this a reality.

In any relationship it is important to understand and accept a situation from the other's perspective, even if that perspective is radically different from your own. It is also important to understand that expressed or unexpressed anger may generate a similar reaction - whether aggressive, passive aggressive and/or passive. While anger is a natural human emotion one cannot expect that response to anger will always be positive and constructive. The ability to unselfishly deal with both you and your partners anger and to non-defensively communicate your thoughts and feelings in the context of a trusting relationship is essential.

It is true that in any relationship there must be shared values on ethics and commitment. However, some feel we are drawn to people that help complete ourselves. It is in these relationships where there is the greatest potential for growth, precisely because both people are so different in personality and life orientation. Yet it is often true that these relationships may engender the most conflict- at least in the beginning and until both people learn to communicate unselfishly and acquire enough of an understanding of themselves and each other for healing to take place.

Accountability, honesty and commitment are crucial to a healthy relationship. Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks of the Hendricks Institute write:

	In our thirty-plus years as therapists, educators and consultants, we have never seen dishonesty produce happiness and intimacy. So we advocate absolute honesty in any relationship that matters to you. If your relationship to yourself matters, be scrupulously honest in acknowledging your feelings and motivations to yourself. If your relationship with a specific person matters, scrupulously tell the full truth about your feelings and your deeds to that person. Almost every relationship disaster people have brought to our office began with lying to protect the feelings of another person. For this reason, we never advocate concealment.
	Commitment is crucial to relationship harmony. Almost all relationship problems are problems of commitment. We have worked with couples married for twenty years in which one or both people had not yet made a full body-and-soul commitment to the relationship. In other situations, problems were caused by a person being more committed to an addiction--such as smoking, alcohol, work or others--than to the ongoing dance of intimacy with a partner. Unconscious commitments can best be discovered by listening to what you complain about, out loud or in your mind. When people complain about something repeatedly, it is almost always because they have an unconscious commitment to it. Take, for example, the common complaint about weight: Most insightful people eventually discover that they were unconsciously committed to perpetuating their weight problems. If they weren't complaining about weight, they'd have to do something with all that energy, something truly risky like expressing creativity. We advocate a monogamous sexual commitment, and have never seen any other model work.
	Arguments start when someone points the finger of blame and races to occupy the position of "wronged victim." This causes the other person to blame and race toward the victim position. Both people end up feeling wronged, justifying that position, and burning immense energy in a futile attempt to get the other person to accept the role of villain. Our work deals with this problem in a radical way: We invite both people to take full responsibility for any problem in a relationship. Both people are invited to shift to asking "What's my role in this problem?" and "How can I shift my consciousness so it doesn't re-occur?" rather than "Why is he/she doing this to me?" When people are courageous enough to do that, the energy that previously was burned in the race for victimhood can be re-channeled into creative activities.
	Our work focuses on learning to appreciate other people, and learning to receive appreciation, rather than trying to get other people to appreciate us. When you open to receiving appreciation and learn how to appreciate skillfully, other people go to great lengths to appreciate you.
	We are much more interested in how people are the same than how they are different. While some approaches focus on the differences between men and women, for example, we focus on the underlying unity of genders. Whether you are in a same-sex relationship, a multi-cultural relationship or any other variation, you still face core issues common to all.
	Creativity is crucial to relationship harmony. Unless both people express their creativity, they are going to think the other is oppressing it.
	Most relationship problems can be resolved with five questions: What am I not facing? What truths have I not spoken? What have I been blaming others for that I need to own responsibility for creating? What choices do I need to make? What actions do I need to take?

Some individuals are narcissistic- viewing a relationship primarily from the perspective of their own needs and wants. They may lack self esteem and compassion- resenting their partner for insensitivity to their needs. Their resentment can manifest in any number of forms of exploitation and emotional/physical abuse and withdrawal. They sometimes exit from a relationship when painful challenges and disappointments arise either as a byproduct of the relationship and/or external to it. This adversity represents too great a threat to their self esteem, often conflicting with their sense of self importance, entitlement and fantasy world of success, power or brilliance. Ironically, this very escape, while a symptom of their illness also further saps the joy from their life- making life less, not more bearable. Rather than attempting to resolve differences and challenges through understanding and compassion, they cycle through future relationships- repeating the negative, sometimes abusive patterns of the past. See also: Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site.

Other personality issues or disorders can contribute to relationship difficulties. Low self esteem may lead to pent up anger, confusion, poor self assertion and unhealthy relationship dynamics. Depression, anxiety disorders, narcissism, bipolar disorder and more severe types of mental illness such as schizophrenia, can severely exacerbate relationship problems. The same can be said for substance abuse and addiction. Substance abuse may accompany mental disorders- the two feeding on each other and destroying individual lives and relationships. Co-dependency may also arise- perpetuating, rather than resolving problems. Relationship counseling in combination with self work, individual therapy and medication may be required to successfully resolve many or all of the above issues.

At times a partner withdraws from what seemed a loving and supportive relationship with little or no effort to communicate why and resolve differences. When this occurs the "rejected" can feel deeply betrayed and the "rejecter" less authentic and human. Understandably, previous words of love and commitment are called into question- the rejected feeling "used" and/or victimized by what appears to be a psychologically irresponsible, perhaps narcissistic human being. Our memories are not of what was, but how we remember what was. Understandably, thoughts creep in that what was- never really was and therefore could never be.

However, relationships do change over time and maybe love flowered once, but gradually died over time- with the warning signs ignored or only dimly felt.

Mark Knapp, identifies these stages in the coming together and coming apart phases of a relationship:

	Initiation- This stage is very short, sometimes as short as 10-15 seconds. In this stage, interactants are concerned with making favorable impressions on each other. They may use standard greetings or observe each other's appearance or mannerisms.
	Experimenting- In the next stage, individuals ask questions of each other in order to gain information about them and decide if they wish to continue the relationship. "Many relationships progress no further than this point"
	Intensifying- Self-disclosure becomes more common in the intensifying stage. The relationship becomes less formal, the interactants begin to see each other as individuals, and statements are made about the level of commitment each has to the relationship.
	Integrating- The individuals become a pair in the integrating stage. They begin to do things together and, importantly, others come to see them as a pair. A shared relational identity starts to form in this stage.
	Bonding- During the bonding stage, a formal, sometimes legal, announcement of the relationship is made. Examples include a marriage, "best friend" ritual, or business partnership agreement. Few relationships reach this level.
	Differentiating- In this stage, partners begin to stress the "me" instead of the "we." In other words, the individuals begin to assert their independence. They may develop different hobbies or activities. The relationship may continue to dissolve, or this stage may be a warning sign that the couple needs to address their relationship status.
	Circumscribing: Communication between the couple diminishes during this stage. They tend to avoid certain topics of discussion. Outwardly, the couple appears normal. At this stage, attempts can be made to discuss the relationship and return it to a positive state.
	Stagnating: During the stagnating stage, the individuals avoid discussing the relationship because they think they know what the other will say. Others begin to take notice that something is wrong.
	Avoiding: The pair begins to physically separate themselves during the avoiding stage. The individuals try to reduce the opportunities for discussion.
	Terminating: This is the final stage of the relationship. Termination may come naturally, such as at the end of the semester when roommates move out, or arbitrarily, through divorce. Termination of the relationship can occur positively or negatively.

While memories of a relationship fade- they still remain part of who we are. We must incorporate the relationship experience, understand and learn from it-treasuring the best parts- but never suppressing memories no matter how painful or joyful. Attempting to suppress ultimately hinders the growth of the soul.

Love is productive- giving genuine love to another enriches one's own life and being even if this love is rejected. Still, we must learn from our past relationships, seeking partners that can love us deeply and unconditionally. We must learn to recognize the warning signs of relationships in crisis and of partners who can't fully love.

All of us have had relationships that have ended. But while we may gyrate through the various stages of denial, anger, grief, acceptance and forgiveness the consequences are always painful.

James J. De Santis, Ph.D, recommends the following steps to take if you decide to exit a troubled relationship.

	Formulate specific steps for exiting your relationship that will help you avoid procrastination or excuse-making.
	Activate your social-emotional support system, including friends and family.
	Avoid entering a new relationship too quickly. Take time to work through your feelings. Examine what happened so you can make better relationship choices in the future.
	Pursue your own goals for happiness, personal growth, and getting on with building a new life.

We must remember that all endings are new beginnings and that if we remain open, caring and alive, love will again return- perhaps sadder and wiser- but no less beautiful and fulfilling. No star or flower is more beautiful than another- only a unique expression of love. And remember- true love abides.

The experience of pain and loss can foster personal growth, healing and renewal-but first we must listen- inwardly and outwardly.

Chuck Spezzano's Psychology of Vision is based on the principles below. These principles emphasize the importance of self-understanding and love- the critical foundation of any relationship....

	Whenever there is a problem or conflict, there has to be a better way.
	The world is our mirror.
	Anything that happens to us serves our purpose.
	No one can do anything to us that we are not already doing to ourselves.
	As we change our beliefs, we change our patterns.
	We are always in the perfect place to learn the lesson we most need to learn in order to heal and grow.
	We construct either heaven or hell on earth, depending on what we give to our relationships.
	Leadership lets nothing be more important than answering the calls for help around us.
	Problems are opportunities to heal the pain of the past.
	The key to our fulfillment is to live our purpose.
	All manner of pain and suffering are washed away by love.
	Relationships are the fundamental building blocks of life.
	We are on an evolutionary path to realize that we are Spirit.
	Whatever our circumstances, however we see things, the answer always lies in healing.

Dr. Michael Mirdad, wrote this about healing in his article entitled, "Creating Fulfilling Relationships,"

"If you want your relationships to be fulfilling, then you must let them fulfill their two purposes. The first is to bring about whatever healing they are presenting. The second is to let yourself reap the rewards of doing the work, allowing the healing and committing to experiencing love in your life. When you accomplish this, you will feel whole and healed. You relation is no longer based on fear and dysfunction but instead on love and wholeness. Passion and joy are no longer temporary distractions that the ego can demand payment for. Your debt has now been paid. The relationship is yours. You own it! Now you choose to share it with God, with all parts of yourself and yes, with others whom you feel will recognize and appreciate it."

He goes on to write,

"...But in your new, healthy state of being, you are in a perpetual state of LOVE. To have a partner or not have a partner is all the same and holds no desperate energy. You are no longer relating out of neediness. There is no longer codependence driven by dysfunction. There is only a focus on sharing. Each person will eventually learn to share their True Self with whomever they feel will benefit from the experience and each will take responsibility for what they gain or what limits they impose. This level of taking personal responsibility dissolves unhealthy codependence and provides each person with an opportunity to create a safe, fulfilling relationship."

Ending of Relationships But ultimately the mirror's image was too harsh and the reflection unbearable- so it was easier to shatter the mirror and destroy the truth.

Ending of Relationships
But ultimately the mirror's image was too harsh
and the reflection unbearable- so it was easier to shatter the
mirror and destroy the truth.