When the light is gone- when youthful creation fades and dies- spirit remains. In silence- in love- in darkness
Will your love endure darkness?
Can you see my soul?
Wind is beautiful, caressing- yet when she rages- she
All angels are terrible.
You do no excite me.
When I look for spirit in your eyes- I am having trouble finding it.
Too many words- too much teaching- has made you forget spirit.
Empty, decaying, old words- words that express nothing but an ego seeking to define itself.
Phony, non-dual words
Practice what you preach…
The old become young- the young, old and so it goes like a merry-go-round- till they learn- till they learn.
Will is an illusion... I see and feel a great deal.
Sometimes I feel I am at 20 planes of existence at once. I hear trees, I
hear thoughts. I see beauty in everything. I sense fear in myself and
others. All of this moves in me and out of me and through me and is a part
A Life Well Lived
Who can say a life well lived...so many bury themselves with preoccupations- one distraction after another. Rather ask, have you seen true beauty?
Did you create beauty?
I am writing this to you- even though I can’t see
you, feel you, taste you or hear you.
To a Friend
It is likely we are drawn
together because of our spiritual paths, and also because of the loss of our
loved ones. Usually what is most true and mysterious works through the
unexpected. The "coincidences" that have brought us together for now is a
way the universe brings together people that should be brought together- at
least for a time. Yes, there may be a past life involvement as well.
What I Want
I want the joy of waking up and seeing him asleep- loving every moment. I want to touch, taste and feel every part of him.
I want to share everything, and no matter what, have him see what is great and good in it. I want him to challenge me to think and feel and to be become what I can become- the man I want to be, not necessarily the man I am. I want to share his laughs and see him smile- When I am apart, I want to see him in my dreams- his face, his soulful gaze, and not feel alone. I want to fight and make up quickly- I want to be hurt and then fall back in love even more strongly. I want to share ideas, and books, philosophies, wisdom, everything I experience... I want him to share his life so it becomes his as well as mine. I want to see the world through his eyes and for him to see the world through mine. I want to love all of his faults and for him to love mine. I want him to love children and see the beauty in each one- I want him to be compassionate to every animal. I want to hear him laugh and experience the joy in his voice. I want to hear him cry and experience the pain.
And if he suffers, I wish to bring him joy- lighten his load and make it my own.
This is love. This is what I want.
I love you as the sun gently touches the sea.
Letter to Vincent Van Gogh
For so long I have thought of you- kindred spirit. I live in an age where one-half of the world’s species will be extinct in less than a hundred years. To witness the destruction of what I love- this is unbearably cruel. Why live in such a world?
"I feel heavy and hard hit by watching this beautiful world being dismantled sold and abused as a normalcy. It hits me on a body level, i have been doubled over and crying, sobbing, shrieking in pain over this one hundred times and can only imagine that there is more to come."- from my friend Dan.
A world without compassion-confused as to what is important. So many numb themselves and wound each other for the sake of survival.
Words should not be used to ameliorate pain. Pain is needed to be truly alive- no words- rather experience the pain. Music and art are solace- revealing the beautiful essence to us- yet we cannot even see our own reflection.
I hear a soft murmur- a small bird chirping, tiny wings buzzing- flittering from one spot to the next- happy to be and asking no more- suffused sunlight slithering on soft seas- a tree with golden sap- blood miraculous.
I hear the sounds of engines- the chatter of incessant needs- a sigh- a laugh- don’t need to see- can hear all- random noises exploding from the ether and receding back to nothingness- secrets revealed.
The soft whispers of the dead- come into my world- I will teach you about life- who better to learn about life than the dead. The experience unfresh- no smells, no glaring lights, just the dim traces of essence and spirit.
A friend? I do not recognize you. Did you forget something? What- you forget me? Did you ever remember me? To remember is to risk forgetting- better never to remember- painful memories- the difference between pain and joy-love life infused with pain- escape pain- escape life- escape life forget love- forget love-forget self-an echo in the wind.
Cold-crass- tailgate aggression-stomp on that gas
pedal-take a life…
Love unbreakable- Moving about in a dark dim dank grey cold concrete prison- icy silence. Angular concrete table-cold, white slab floor. I hear everything- I hear the flame as it pulsates heat- the water as it moves around- everything speaks to me from this cold icy silence.
The trees talk to me- their bark skins, their kindred brothers. Their need for flowing water- their memories old. Can you heal me I implore- They answer back- can you heal me? Spirit-love-pain.
Pain makes everything seem transitory. Love rejected is NO love.
Hello World! Good News!
I can be loved-I am loveable!
I am special! Not alone! Inside is my soul! Somewhere is my soul mate! When I look into his eyes he will see me- questioning ends- the adventure begins….unfolding, unending...
I can be loved- I am loveable!
Love penetrating every part of my being- oceans my blood.
You told me that my experiences have tempered me- like cold steel. All of the pain and suffering have made me strong and beautiful, reflective, pure- hard like cold steel.
But you do not know me…For the steel is only on the outside- inside I am scared- weak, watery- bathed in silent tears- wishing to die.
Lovers are inseparable- when apart there is pain- Friends when apart- there is less pain. I cannot kill the pain-instead I let it run through me.
I have stepped through the looking
glass- lost in a world where
magic is real, love everywhere and even pain is beautiful.
Once the stuff of dreams- barely glimpsed-it is now my only
reality. And as strange as it sounds, I mean every word I just
wrote. Which might make me insane- but comfortably so.
When I Write....
I don't want to write like you...I want to be misunderstood- clarity is painful...too painful- yet good. I need to be with me- alone. Speak the silent truth.
You forgot love- you closed yourself off from me- believed you were protecting yourself- but all you were protecting yourself from was life…
Life is about differences- the beauty is in the light shimmering on the water, the wind swaying the tall grass, the sea touching the shore.
We were different. I so much wanted to love you. But you detached- you denigrated what love meant. You used words to protect yourself from hurt.
The pain inside of you is a pain that leads to loneliness- to emptiness- to death. I reject your pain even though I feel it deeply. I embrace life.
If I love you and you hate me- can I blame you? If I
hate you and you love me? No- love and hate are the same- real love
transcends love-hate- existence and non-existence- Love is unconditional,
but respectful. A never ending conversation.
Love is not selective- it doesn’t say, I love this, but not that- rather I love all- I unconditionally accept all of you. Love to manifest, must be accepted by the other. Hate, anger, fear, illusion- these sometimes appear to destroy love- in reality they destroy lives- the love remains.
I will not see you again, our lives are fully separated- you have rejected me because of my love- the intensity of my love. I will not excuse the intensity of my love or the demand for truth- truth, beauty and love are inseparable.
Sometimes to preserve the possibility of new love, there must be an ending of old love. Love, though indestructible is perhaps not inexhaustible. Love unrequited is not quite love- sometimes it is ego. Sometimes it is better to let go. Men have trouble loving unconditionally- attachment to one whose love is conditional can lead to cycles of fear and abandonment- some people are not ready for love and are destined to spend a life apart- no matter how painful.
Friendship is love. Friendship is not the consolation prize for lost love. It is not a lesser love. Why don’t you love me? Why can’t we love? Because your anger and fear have taken sway over your heart and to preserve and protect yourself you have cut me off just enough to make love impossible while expressing the desire for friendship- but what type of friendship? If the friendship is deep then there will be pain- so what is the escape? You profess I am your closest friend- but you do not want me to express who I fully am. You want a close friend who is not close. You want love without closeness. You want to use me as a springboard to new love- the security blanket- the ever present possibility. I am to accept your definition of love- which is ultimately impossible and is not love. It is dependency. It is like when you said- I am in this relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. So are you in this friendship for the sake of being in friendship? Why don’t you accept the truth of your love or accept that you no longer love. That fear and hate have overcome the love within and self isolation has enabled you to cut off the life pulse of love- this blood no longer flows through your veins. You are loveless to me- If I give you what you want I would be returning a lie. This could damage me because I would be untrue to myself. I will seek the truth. If you love me, whether or not you understand, you will be able to acknowledge my truth and if you cannot, then you do not love me and your rejection an expression of your own ego- the very opposite of love. Live your own lies. This is not my burden. Not my task.
You say to yourself I am thirsty, I would like the
warmth of coffee or cappuccino or whatever. So you go to the place where
they make it and bring it over to where you were standing next to me. You
drink some and think to yourself- I do not need the caffeine any more- the
sugar and milk will make me fat- I will share the coffee with you. So you
ask me- would I like some of your coffee- and I say after a few moments
thought- yes. I drink and it is good, and then I give it back to you.
Today we meet for the second time. Expectations are confused- beginnings of friendship or love...in either case the adventure starts. We talk, we share and then you inform me- by the way- only an hour left- I will be meeting someone else. So no beginning- a short meeting and a quick ending- you do not wish to be my friend- or you are insensitive or both- neither bodes friendship and love is besides the point.
Sitting on the bus- seemingly for ever reaching my destination, I feel alone. What color blood runs through my veins? Green? Red? Am I human? Perhaps a Martian- or from some more distant planet- I do not feel human. I cry, I feel sad, but I am not like the others. I am rejected- unworthy of love- unloved- it must be me…what is it about me? Or is it you?
I thrive on love- Love waters my soul and gives it
life. It is why I am here.
Love is Temporary Insanity!
Not all pain is bad and sometimes the closer you
come to life, the closer you are to death. Imagine being a frozen sea. Life
trapped inside- changing, but frozen- not really alive. Then a change- a
gradual melting-a flood- now teeming with life. The sun shimmers on an ocean
that dances to the sky.
Makes wise men fools- wearies the heart and gives
joy with out end.
Your touch…your lips...your smile...your breath...your eyes...your voice. Everything I remember about you...about us...but the rest of my life fades...sad memories.
The song says living is not alone…
I need you….We will make love forever...forever in your arms, your touch...your loving stare will follow me to the end.
Squander love?- Giving up on love is giving up on life- where are you?
Where are you?
Protect me...keep away the cold…hold on to me….break the veil…end the endless night...
-Disquiet, volcanic eruption- something coming... someone coming
- A week before- anxious- something not right-
someone special- a life long love- I must make room- friends are OK, but you
are my eternal love- who I loved before time and after time. You are coming-
I am ready- the time is here.
Don’t play it cool- you will lose me- I am nice, yes like the radiant sun, giver of light and joy bit terrible and fierce- I speak to all living things, the rocks, the animals, people- I hear the voices of the dead in my dreams- they told me about you- that's how I knew you were coming- when you speak to the dead- you are half alive, but they love me- do you?
Today I Remembered
Beautiful Tasha and the first time I taught her to descend a flight of stairs.
The first time I cradled her to sleep in my arms- Her eyes so soulful and sweet- her movements so delicate, her expression so wise, perfect.
How short our time together- faithful friend
Today I Remembered
The first time I saw Peter- how beautiful he seemed, the soft touch of his skin against mine- his gaze, his smile, the first warm embrace, the first long kiss, waking up in his manly arms, morning smiles suffused with sunlight- perfect days- perfect nights, holding hands - not caring what the world thinks- just in love.
Stop time! Some many moments I want to last forever…yet even memory uncertain.
Hold me- pretend all is well if just for a flickering moment- just a touch, a tear, a soft caress- I am lost with out your love….
For a brief time I cheated life- pretending my joy would never end- Life I said - this is my life and I will live it as I am- fuck fear, fuck society, fuck family- fuck everything and everyone that tried to tell me how to live.
I am what I am
Hold me hold me
I am lost…….beautiful, sad and lost. I am crying.
A Poem to George Bush
Let my people go
How much longer will your lies deceive my world?
Let my people go.